my thoughts

so i did it. i made it through the scariest thing i ever thought possible to go through--labor/delivery/breast feeding--and what i have now is the most beautiful thing in my arms. I AM SOOOO HAPPY. babies are sure funny looking and tend to look like old men, even when they are baby girls, but i love her so much.

yesterday was crazy. we got to the hospital at 6AM and i was so nervous. amanda hancock was incredible. nick and amanda tried to keep me entertained, because i would go through moments of nervous crying or freaking out--i was not excited to see dr fagerland show up, because that meant that things would begin. i will be honest, i am very private with my body and hated that it was going to be so exposed, but it is amazing how quickly you get over that. i had to start joking about it at first to get through, but realized that it was not a big deal to anyone else, so it shouldn't be for me.

dr fagerland go in around 7:30AM and broke my water. i was waiting for the flood gates to open and a tidal wave to come, but once again my imagination had overly dramatized what typically happens. it wasn't comfortable sitting in wetness, i must say.

nick and amanda became my posse in the hallways of the hospital. they were great to go along with all the things i kept telling them to do. we walked the hallways until 10AM and then amanda checked me--i was barely a 4--so we got back to the walking, after she stretched me a bit. after that things started to pick up. i started to feel the pain of contractions and by 11AM i was hurting. amanda had me sit on an excercise ball and roll my hips while she gave me the most incredible back massage through each contraction--which helped a ton. nick was doing great by holding my hands and encouraging me. i thought i was tough and that i was going to be strong, but when the contractions started to pick up all i wanted was relief. luckily amanda checked me and i had progressed enough that we could get the epidural in the works. amanda gave me some fentanyl and i was happy from that moment on--i felt weird--but i was happy. it made me super sleepy. the anethesiologist came just in time as the fentanyl was wearing off. i was super nervous about getting the "huge needle stuck in my spine" another thing i had overly dramatized--but it wasn't that bad. the only bad thing was that my bladder was soooo full from all the fluids i had been given that i ended peeing the bed a bit while the epidural was occuring. how embarassing. no control. the warming sensation on your legs with the numbness was so weird. especially on your "bottom" area. weird.

i was so lucky that my body kept progressing and i felt no pain. i took a couple naps to prepare me for the big moment--good thing because i did only 4 sets of pushes and was exhausted at the end. i became very nervous again, because the only thing left on the list was to do the actual birthing. once again dreading to see dr fagerland. got checked and was a 9. i wanted to keep on staying in this limbo moment, because i wasn't in pain and i was dreading the birthing part. we hung out for awhile and pretty soon i started feeling pressure down in the nether regions and amanda checked me and her face was classic--she notified me that the babies head was easily felt and that i was a 10. amanda was great and let nick glove up and check. he was so cute during this whole process. so excited and amazed. he kept pacing, which was so cute. tried to get video of him pacing, but not a success. just picture the classic hospital scene with the husband pacing--that was nick.

continued to feel pressure and amanda had already called dr fagerland and was notified that he was heading to mercy to perform a delivery of a girl that was having her 3rd baby. i was told to not push on any condition--but it was so hard because the whole day i was shaking and when i would start to shake my body would tense up. i kept feeling pressure and amanda gloved me up and i felt at a fingernails length her head. zuri hung out in that spot for a good 45 minutes, until dr fagerland showed up. he is a great doctor. he suited up quickly with his face shield (had no idea that is what they wore) and was standing behind the table with all the tools and i thought he looked like a japanese steak house chef ready to entertain us by tossing us shrimp.

amanda talked me through what i needed to do during my contractions--hold onto my knees, take a deep breath and push. sounded so easy, but when the first one came, i kept pushing in my face. it took a total of 4 sets of pushes/contractions and suddenly zuri's head popped out and then i stopped pushing and dr fagerland pulled the rest of the body out within a second. i thought the hard part hadn't happened--thinking that her shoulders would be the widest/hardest part, but was happily surprised to see that i was done.

instant love. when i saw her i was so happy. she looked like a cone head alien, but she was my cone head alien. i was teary eyed, nick was teary eyed. it was amazing.

things have been going too fast since that moment. so many firsts and i just want it to slow down. i was very happy to eat some food--loved the fruit/granola/yogurt dinner i had. so cute to see nick holding this small baby in his hands. throughout the pregnancy i talked to zuri about how she needed to stick to the 7lb limit. i guessed 7lbs, nick thought 7lbs 4oz, and amanda was kind (or i thought being kind) to guess 6lbs 14oz. we were amazed to see that she weighed only 6lbs. what a good, good girl. i think we are going to be a good team. she is 19 in long with her cone head, so we will see what she is today with her cone head quickly disappearing.

so she is getting so much cuter. she is a monson. i think she has nicks nose. i love her so much. i am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving her to me. i am so relieved that she is healthy. she hasn't cried hardly at all and she is good at sucking, besides the fact that she falls asleep instantly within 3 sucks.

thank you amanda for everything you did. thank you bob rose for stopping by and bringing food. we felt so blessed with good friends. thanks mare, bobs and emery for stopping by. we were so excited to share this moment with you. thank you everyone for your calls, texts, comments. we have never felt so much love.

my mom just walked into the room. have been so excited for her to be here. she had a crazy flight day/night to get here. let the party begin.

we love you all.